The first time Boris announced a national lockdown, I was eating dinner with two of my friends. My parents called and told me to pack a bag. My friend walked me home and we said goodbye with a hug that spoke a thousand words.
Fast forward 7 months and that "friend" is my boyfriend. The person that I went out for walks to take photos for a reason to message him. The one I stayed up until ridiculous hours talking to because neither of us wanted it to end. The one I eventually found the courage to tell that I reciprocated his feelings that I'd been in denial of since February. The one I facetimed virtually every single night, and most of the day too. The one who got me through lockdown. And the first person I saw when we were coming out of lockdown - when I drove to his hometown and we made it official. The one I spent my summer with. The one I wish I could spend every moment of every day with. Possibly the one.
And now? Boris announces a second national lockdown and you bet he's the one I'm with. But will I be staying with him? Moving in for however long this next lockdown lasts? There is nothing that I want more, except maybe for this whole pandemic to end. But in reality, that decision lies with someone other than me, because I just can't abandon my housemate like that. So, if she decides to go home, I get to spend the next "month" (let's not pretend we can't see how likely it is that this will go on longer than that) in the place I feel safest and most at home. If she doesn't, I'm stuck in a house with this one friend who I may even end up resenting, and three other people who aren't my closest friends at all by any definition, but they're decent company when we all put the effort in. Awful? Of course not. But is it what's best for me?
I'm writing this at 7:13am in my boyfriend's flat, after he set off for work at 6am this morning. Most of what I've done since he left is think and cry, and now write. I'm holding it together for him, because I don't want this to be any harder for him than it is already. But all I can think right now is that I'm not only putting someone else's mental health above my own, I'm also putting her mental health above his. And who would I choose if I could only have one of them? When you think of it like that, it makes absolutely no sense what I'm doing. I'll be okay either way, but unlike the last lockdown, this time I have to do more than just be "okay" - I have to do well in my degree too. And support the mental health of somebody who will likely struggle more than me. But if I don't look after my own mental health, will I be in any position to do this? Who knows? But for now, I'm just going to keep going. I'm going to get myself back to my house for a productive day of uni work, because falling apart is not an option.
