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Wednesday, 25 November 2015

The Update

There's no easy way for me to explain my absence and I wish I could go on writing about all the positive things in my life. But what life? What positive things? The events of the last six months have turned my optimism on it's head slowly but almost relentlessly, in the last three months anyway. Honestly, I'm a wreck.
My confidence levels, which were low before, have plummeted to the bottom of the ocean, taking with them my ability to love and see light in the darkness, two features I would previously have called two of my best. Losing that, among other things, has led to me losing myself. I wrote a post called "Finding Yourself" when I thought I was on the way up but since then I've just fallen. And I continue to fall to the point of near extinction. And I fail to see how it will ever improve. I've gone from taking a photo a day to not even one a week. I've lost my passion, my ability to create. Now all I can do is destroy. I'm burning my heart and crying an ocean, waiting for something to help me fight my way through it. But nothing comes. I find myself crying for no reason. Just crying. Listening to two songs on repeat, almost as if I can't think anymore. With no confidence, no hope or optimism left to carry me and no heart or soul, who am I? I'm watching myself waste away whilst I cry over the emptiness inside of me yet I can't seem to escape, no matter how hard I try or how close I get. I can pretend to be fine and even feel fine for short periods of time but I always come back to this. Always. And I can't see an end.

My only advice to you would be to stay strong, even if I can't. For "it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart" - Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay